Before You Download Another Dating App

A Letter to Anyone Starting a New Chapter

If you've recently gone through a breakup or divorce, first let me say this: I'm sorry. Even when we know it's the right decision, closing one chapter of our lives can be incredibly painful. It can leave us questioning ourselves, wondering what comes next, and trying to figure out who we are without the person we thought we'd always have beside us.

I understand that feeling because I've lived it.

I've been on and off dating apps for more than twenty years.

Twenty years...

That means I've experienced online dating through just about every phase imaginable, from the early websites to today's endless swiping. During that time, I've had some wonderful experiences, met people who became lifelong friends, got married and divorced, dated some amazing men, and learned lessons I never expected to learn. I've also experienced heartbreak, disappointment, ghosting, and enough awkward first dates that my friends constantly tell me I should write a book. (Might be in the works!!)

The funny thing is, they aren't just talking about my stories.

For more than thirty years, I've had a front row seat to thousands of other people's stories as well.

As a portrait photographer, people spend hours with me. By the time hair and makeup are finished, outfits have been chosen, and we've photographed together for a while, the walls begin to come down. People start talking. I've heard stories about painful divorces, relationships that slowly faded away, partners who betrayed their trust, and the fear that comes with wondering if they'll ever find love again. I've also celebrated second marriages, fresh starts, and the joy of watching someone rediscover a confidence they thought they had lost forever.

Those conversations have taught me something that has very little to do with photography and everything to do with life.

The healthiest relationships usually begin long after someone has stopped looking for another person to make them feel whole. They begin after someone has taken the time to heal.

As a photographer, I naturally notice the photos first. Over the years, I've seen every type of dating profile imaginable, including:

• Blurry selfies taken in bad lighting.

• Bathroom mirror photos.

• The famous fish picture.

• Group photos where no one can tell which person they're supposed to be looking at.

• Vacation pictures that are ten years old.

• Heavily filtered images that don't even resemble the person anymore.

Most people assume those photos are the problem. In my experience, they're simply a reflection of how someone feels about themselves at that moment in their life.

Sometimes I see someone hiding behind old photographs because they haven't accepted who they are today. Sometimes I see someone trying so hard to look younger that they erase everything that makes them unique. Other times I see someone who is genuinely beautiful, but the hurt they've been carrying is visible in every expression.

Then there are the people who smile with confidence, not because they have the perfect body or the perfect face, but because they've done the work to become comfortable with who they are. Those are the people who naturally draw others in.

That's something no camera can create.

One of the biggest mistakes I see is people rushing onto dating apps before they're emotionally ready. It's understandable. After a breakup or divorce, we all want reassurance that we're still attractive, still interesting, and still worthy of being loved. We want someone to remind us that our story isn't over.

But another person can't do that work for us.

Healing doesn't happen because someone new walks into your life. Healing happens when you begin rebuilding your relationship with yourself. That might mean taking better care of your health. It might mean reconnecting with friends you've neglected, traveling somewhere you've always wanted to visit, trying a new hobby, or simply learning to enjoy a quiet evening alone without feeling lonely. Little by little, you begin remembering the person you were before life became so complicated.

Something else changes too.

Instead of wondering, "Will someone choose me?" you begin asking, "Is this someone I want to invite into the life I've created?"

That's a much healthier place to begin.

When you reach that point, it's worth putting real thought into how you present yourself to the world. Not because you're trying to impress strangers, but because your dating profile should reflect the life you've worked so hard to rebuild.

Think about what your photos are saying before anyone reads a single word of your profile.

Do they show someone who enjoys life?

Do they reflect your personality?

Would someone get a sense of what spending an afternoon with you might actually feel like?

Some of my favorite dating profile photos aren't the most glamorous ones. They're the images of someone laughing on a boat, walking their dog, exploring a new city, cooking dinner, or simply enjoying a beautiful sunset. Those photographs tell a story, and stories are what people connect with.

If you're ready to start dating again, here are a few things worth remembering:

• Use recent photos that honestly represent who you are today.

• Include images that show your hobbies and interests, not just your face.

• Smile. People are drawn to warmth far more than perfection.

• Avoid trying to look like someone else. Authenticity is far more attractive than filters.

• Most importantly, don't create a profile until you're genuinely excited about the life you're inviting someone into.

  
  

That last one may be the most important of all. Because this next chapter isn't really about finding someone else. It's about rediscovering yourself. The right relationship won't erase your past, fix your insecurities, or make you whole. A healthy relationship simply adds to a life that's already full.

That's why I created The New Chapter Experience.

Yes, you'll leave with beautiful portraits that you'll be proud to share. But my real hope is that you'll leave seeing yourself differently. I want you to look at your photographs and see strength instead of heartbreak, confidence instead of doubt, and possibility instead of fear.

"A photograph can't change your life, but sometimes it can remind you of the person you've become, and that's a pretty beautiful place to begin your next chapter." - Marilyn Scavo